Running

Momentarily addicted to No Doubt's Running. As it relives itself on my winamp after i heard it on some stranger's blog, the stupid song has somehow YANKED on some emotional strings.

Fucked up.I HATE feeling fucked up.Furthermore, gettin fucked up out of the fuckin blue.Fucking hell.Sometimes, words can come harmlessly, yet fuckin slap u in the face out of no rhyme or reason.And sometimes, finding out the reason can be SUCH a hassle, so lets just fuck it.Cos somehow, my alright mood has been jeopardized.Ruined.So let me be fucked up.For as long as the night lasts. *roll* yes u know i never meant LITERALLY.

Fucking shit.fuckfuckfuck.

And in the midst of this FUCKED up mood, im gonna go on to something else, WHICH has no relation whatsoever to my currently FOULED MOOD.

I thought to myself today, or rather i realised, (i think) I hardly have anyone that makes me feel truly inspired.That i can look up to, respect, throw my doubts and endless queries to.

Not that its zilch, but either its a case of category inspiring, or its someone(in this case, theres literally only ONE person) im not exactly close enough with, to expose all my hows and whys.

I realised, yes i realised, only yesterday, that i REALLY don't have that someone whom i can fall back on, run to, rush to, look up to, and know for sure that he will have ALL the answers , if not sound advice , to make me not lose my head, to get me back on track again if i falter.

Notice i said he. Yes as i said that i immediately questioned myself ' is this a romantic issue? ' Well no it isn't necessarily. Cos, as i whizzed through an imaginary list of people i would like that person to be, my father popped up. In fact, he popped up as one of the top on the list.

However, he isn't that person in reality.In fact, we hardly engage in much non-mundane conversations .Or rather, never at all.I probably talked more to him , felt like running over to him for comfort or a hug when i was younger.As in your puny toddler.

Is life a run?Could we make it a run?Or should i say, its our very own choice if we wanted to run, stroll, crawl, or limp through it isn't it?

Perhaps thats why to some, its like an arduous endless journey they can't wait to finish.And to others, its amazing, and always too short.

As for me, i don't fall under any of the 2 categories.
That's cos im still trying to search for THE meaning , only to self-baffle even more, and discover more questions before i can even answer the existing ones.

Maybe, we'll spend our entire lifetime trying to find these answers, but can't find them at all.
Maybe, we'll spend so much time and energy finding these answers that we miss out on those right infront of us.
Maybe, i feel that life has only just started for me
Maybe, all those years before today, were only a Prelude.

Maybe, all im secretly yearning for is some sort of a mentor, or..a life size teddy bear *gasp.i don't even LIKE teddy bears*, that i can run to anytime i want, anytime i need, as a pitstop along this journey.

Well, as for now, i'll just have to run to my trusty, rusty ol self.No matter how unrealiable the self may be, at least its safe...very safe.